He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
We smell like vodka and hangover
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