Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
