Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
