mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize