If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
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