If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i used baking grease as lip gloss
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
