YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
