the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
