I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
