if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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