Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
