you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
