If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
