Apparently you make a good broom.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
the liver wants what the liver wants
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
