But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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