Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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