I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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