He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
