i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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