last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
