Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
