P.S. I can't hear my feet
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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