Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
