Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
it's great music for shaving your balls
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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