We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
