Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
