In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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