wrigley field is MILF paradise
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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