my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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