Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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