My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
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I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think I sprained my soul last night
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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