really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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