A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
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My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
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if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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