Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
