I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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