Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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