I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
