Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
