Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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