i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
