you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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