I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
