when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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