i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
