Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
