I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
