A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Randomize
