the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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