i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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