we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
