another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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