I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
