very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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