I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
