3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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