so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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