his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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