i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
