2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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